Psychoticism: The inability to empathize with the suffering of others.

On Monday morning, Boyfriend was in a car accident on his way to work. He was t-boned at an intersection and he spun around in the middle of the road. When the car stopped spinning and he got out of his car to help the other person out of theirs.

He stepped out just in time to see the guy flee the scene at about 110 miles an hour.

When I found out, I cried. I continued to cry for two days. He could have been killed, I kept thinking. My baby could have died and I would have never, ever gotten to see him again. Whoever was driving that car caused hundreds of dollars worth of damage to Boyfriend's vehicle, and nearly took away from me the dearest person to me on Earth, and they couldn't be bothered to even stop. For those 48 hours, I was miserable.

Then my thoughts began to shift to vicious, unadulterated scenarios of revenge.

It's only normal. The thoughts I had are, at best, unsuitable for minors and pregnant women, but it got me thinking about the nature of revenge.

When is vengeance appropriate?

How much comeuppance should you dole out?

Is revenge truly a dish best served cold?

To answer these questions, let's look at some famous people who have avenged the wrongs committed against them through the ages.

The Count of Monte Cristo

For anyone who hasn't read the seventeen-pound novel by Frenchman Alexandre Dumas (myself included), I will summarize the plot of the 2002 screen adaptation:

The guy who plays Jesus in the Passion of the Christ stars as nineteenth-century French sailor Edmund Dantes. He is totally framed for treason by Count Mondego. Dante goes to prison and Mondego promptly steals Dante's 'ho and son.

Dante spends an inordinate amount of time in a French prison, where he befriends a priest. The priest teaches him all about history, economics, art, and fencing. The priest informs him he owns a treasure map and together they try and break out. The priest dies, but gives Dante the map. Eventually Dante escapes and finds the treasure. There is a lot of fucking swag there and he beomes the richest man in Europe. He invents a fake title (The Count of Monte Cristo) and moves in next door to Mondego and Mercedes (Dante's former 'ho).

Dante basically mindfucks the shit of Mondego before taking his family from him and eventually stabbing the fuck outof him with his fencing mad skillz.

Comments: Excellent execution. The punishment fits the crime. Of course, after being in a French dungeon for two decades, Dante is batshit crazy, but you don't care because Mondego is an enormous prick.

How It Could Have Been Better: I think more could have been done to cause injury to Mondego's nuts.

Rating: 4.5 out of a possible 5 avenged corpses.

Mohandas K. Gandhi

This famous Indian Pacifist and his countrymen had perpetually been given the shaft by British colonialists. He led a non-violent revolution, knowing the British would beat the living fuck out of all of them. Video footage circulated the world of British soldiers brutalizing Indians who wouldn't even shield themselves in defense. The English were humiliated, and by 1949, India was its own country. You don't fuck with men in loincloths.

Comments: Less an act of revenge than one big mindfuck. Making the British out to be savages while the Indians came off as gentle, unassuming victims is the kind of irony that makes English majors everywhere swoon.

How It Could Have Been Better: Gandhi was surprisingly sparse on crude jokes about Winston Churchill's mother.

Rating: 4/5 avenged corpses.

Inigo Montoya

"My name ees Inigo Montoya. You kill my father. Prepare to die."

If you were born before 1992, I shouldn't have to explain this. If you weren't, you shouldn't be reading this website. I say a lot of swear words.

Comments: YES. FUCKING YES. Revenge at his finest. The beautifully executed swordfight. The witty banter and closing by return. The glaringly obvious stunt doubles. Genius.

How It Could Have Been Better: Let's not mess with perfection.

Rating: 5/5 avenged corpses. Literally.

Montresor

The central character of Edgar Allan Poe's classic short story The Cask of Amontillado, Montresor is one bad mother shut-yo-mouth. After repeatedly being mocked by his alcoholic aquaintance Fortunado, Montresor lures him into the catacombs under Rome with the promise of a bottle of some expensive wine. There, the crazy motherfucker buries Fortunado alive.

Comments: This is excessive. Sure, Fortunado is a snotty little manbitch, but he certainly didn't deserve this. Clearly Montresor is a few lines short of a sonnet.

How It Could Have Been Better: Come on. Couldn't Montresor have just pantsed Fortunado in front of the Duchess of Kent or something and called it even?

Rating: 1/5 avenged corpses.

Misogynistic Muslim Men Who Kill Their Slutty Daughters

Apparently in fundamentalist Muslim circles, it is really "the bee's knees" to brutally murder womenfolk who commit adultery. Or won't wear their hijabs. Or submit to arranged marriage. Or show their ankles. Or have independent thought.

Comments: I think I speak for everyone with a vagina when I say this doesn't jive. Yeah, I get the whole thing where a good Muslim woman is supposed to be submissive blah blah blah, but good Muslim men shouldn't hack people into bits either.

How It Could Have Been Better: I think we should arm the women with machetes and let the problem sort itself out.

Rating: 0/5 avenged corpses. For shame, uberMuslims.

The Writers of the Gospel According to John

Oh man, these guys totally had the last laugh. I mean, sure, their Saviour suffered a brutal death, but they made sure everyone knew those pesky Jews were to blame, setting them up for two millenia of racism, discrimination, and eventually mass genocide at the hands of pseudo-Christians. They even made everyone forget that Jesus himself was Jewish. Note the handsome Caucasian redhead depicted above.

Comments: The writers of John definitely win in terms of scale. However, this is another instance of the punishment not fitting the crime. I mean, couldn't they have just blamed one really good Jew? They'd have killed him to compensate and everything would have been peachy.

How It Could Have Been Better: I would have liked to have seen this executed by blaming a really obscure group of people. They could have had Jesus say something like, "sure, the Jews persecute me, but the REAL problem is those goddamned Jamaican-born Buddhists."

Rating: 1/5 avenged corpses.

My Mother

My father started banging the blonde chick who worked at the cosmetics counter of the department store he managed. Mom and Dad separated and a few months later, his car was 'mysteriously' keyed outside of my grade six graduation.

Comments: Fuck my childhood. Seriously.

How It Could Have Been Better: With my own stillbirth.

Rating: Negative Infinity/5 avenged corpses. Seriously. Fuck my parents.

There you have it. The best and worst of vengeance over the years. Some of it was good, some of it was bad. And some of it, I'm sure, will eventually cost me thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy. Fuck you, mom and dad.